Find the Magic and Do the Work Even When Your Creativity Freezes Up

The Sovereign Standard, Issue 3

Margaret Atwood wrote an ode to this frozen month.

“February,” she declares, “month of despair, with a skewered heart in the centre.”

Even if snow hasn’t been swirling ‘round your front door, there’s a texture to February that has people across the northern hemisphere yearning to hide under the covers. But “despair”? There are plenty who really suffer from seasonal affective disorder - it’s real, and it’s hard - but what about the rest of us who are just grouchy and feeling off our game?

We don’t have time to feel skewered when there’s a business to run and children to be entertained and a book that isn’t going to write itself.

We have to push through. But first we must acknowledge that it can be hard to find the silver in this gray and white world.

Make Friends With Reality: Reclaim the Snow Day

Remember when snow days weren’t just kids’ stuff (and massive productivity drains because there’s work to do and childcare to provide)?

Jesse Singal writes and elegy for the adult snow day in New York Magazine:

The grown-up world has a tendency to strip things of their magic a bit, but the snow day still served as a wonderful stop sign from the heavens for myopic, overworked adults. What else could grind to a halt, even temporarily, the exhausting, striving adult world of meetings and reports and office memos? What else could not only suggest to the workaholic that he take a day off, but force him to because the roads were too icy, the subways all closed? What else could unite father and son on a sled on a snowy hill in the middle of a weekday?

I too mourn the loss of the snow day and believe I’d be a better business owner and a better human if I let myself take a few more of them. While researching this week’s Sovereign Standard, I read way too many sunshine and sparkles blog posts from small business owners declaring "I don't need snow days because I love my work and my clients so much!"

Oh, please.  Let's admit:

1. all this snow and cold is making us feel less than... optimal
2. we feel cheated of our rights to snow days (after all, it’s one of the few consolations we have when it’s so cold you can’t make it to the mailbox without the skin on your knuckles cracking)
3. playing hooky as Mother Nature intends would do the business, the family, and the creative work a world of good

 Everyday Creative Magic: Reclaiming the Spark of Aliveness

Again, we’re not here to despair, even as we recognize that this is the season of our discontent. Nor are we here to whine as our “bored” children home for the third day in a week are taking care of that already.

We’re here to recover some of that everyday creative magic (the kind that Singal notes has been stripped from our grown up world).

Let’s consider summer for a moment… Here in New York’s Hudson Valley, we have a treasure of an organization called Wild Earth. Many families stare down our fear of poison ivy and Lyme disease and send our kids to their camp in July.

The few and the bold send their teenagers to overnight in the woods in the middle of this deep freeze. Tyler McNamara reveals the vital pulse at the heart of winter and why experiencing and yes, embracing, this dangerous cold is essential to being alive in this piece about eighteen young adventurers.  

But maybe we don’t need to sleep outdoors in order to find meaning in this dark season. Suzi Banks Baum of Laundry Line Divine shares notes from her winter retreat.

Where YOU are IS your point of entry, in to inner attention.

Wherever you are, mired in wild living or utter sameness, each are invitations to slow down, for even a few breaths and listen to what your heart requires of you. For even in the thrall of the clock, your voice is there, masked by the chaos perhaps, but it is there.

And if it isn’t the right time for you to sleep in a subzero tent or enjoy the luxury of solitude, there this sweet interview with artist, designer, and mom Johanna Winter-Harper at www.craftingconnections.net, a site dedicated to creating art with your kids. It gave me hope that it’s possible to make and mother amidst the mess. 

Message: It's Never Too Frigid to Speak

“Writing forces people to reconstrue whatever is troubling them and find new meaning in it.” So says a UVA psychologist professor quoted in the New York Times blog post Writing Your Way to Happiness. Studies show that students who engaged in “expressive writing” were healthier and performed better in school

But we know this. Writing reveals what we really thing and who we really are (eventually). Writing is hope. Writing is healing.

Earlier this week, I dove into the places that need plenty of exploratory, personal writing, but which just aren’t the stuff of a public online presence. In Online Visibility, Transparency, and Authenticity When You’ve Got Other Things On Your Mind I hope to give you the permission to admit you’re human and that your human experience will get in front of your entrepreneurial imperatives to be visible and authentic.

Read on for a few suggestions about how to show up even when you’ve got a case of the Februaries.

Livelihood: How Winter Impacts Work

 Finally, a few practicalities about winter and the business world...

Economists don’t really know if snow storms negatively impact the economy. Apparently, “it’s more an art than a science” to figure out whether lost wages, delayed purchases, and all those flight delays have a long term impact.

If you run a brick and mortar business when the roads are closed or have remote employees who can’t work because an ice storm knocked out their power, do you pay them? This article from Entrepreneur is a place to start.

 Ultimately, How Will You Survive February?

 Clinical psychologist Paul Lichtenberg posts on his Facebook page:

It reminds us that self-care: in the boiling of the tea, rinsing with salt, epsom baths, sitting, gentle restorative yoga, soup, slow mindful walking, self-massage, asking for help; all these minute-to-minute actions with the intention to heal bodymind bring us back to the most simple message: be kind to oneself, be gentle, care for the body and quiet mind. That is healing.

In this case, Paul is talking about coping with mortality, but we can use this wisdom to navigate the last weeks of this frozen world.

And so, we can move through, taking what medicine is available and appropriate to our temperament. We can occupy the present moment and actively seek healing and vitality, rather than mere survival.

Or, write a hot harangue at a poor blameless cat. Atwood’s “February” that opened this week’s issue is actually addressed to a feline who insists on sneaking into her bed. Proof that “kick the cat” syndrome is real, even in Booker Prize winners:

Cat, enough of your greedy whining and your small pink bumhole. Off my face! You’re the life principle, more or less, so get going on a little optimism around here. Get rid of death. Celebrate increase. Make it be spring.

Online Visibility, Transparency, and Authenticity When You’ve Got Other Things On Your Mind

Entrepreneurship springs from optimism. You believe in the vitality of the marketplace and your own potential. You understand that your livelihood relies on your energy and vision. You have a faith in yourself and your tribe and the world as a whole. But what if you’re just not feeling it right now?

We get stuck in the doldrums sometimes. Maybe it's due to illness or the needs of the family or this endless winter (this week’s Sovereign Standard offers balm for the snowed-in February soul).

Regardless of the source, these low periods are real and sometimes you can't just put on a happy face and push through, business as usual.

You Can Keep Sailing Your Professional Ship - Despite Private Tidal Waves

Maybe you’re one of those unflappable people whose personal relationships or interior monologues never gets in the way of her work. Maybe. But I doubt you’d click on a blog post with this title if you were. For the purpose of full transparency, you and I probably won’t be soul mates if you’re the Unsinkable Molly Brown type.

Time for more disclosure: I have big feelings and big ideas and sometimes they cause huge waves that threaten overturn my little professional skiff.

You too? Wonderful. Keep reading - there’s some ideas for how to survive these internal tempests and an extended boating metaphor in it for you!

Decide What You’ll Throw Overboard BEFORE the Storm Hits

You set out on the entrepreneurial journey with dual goals: adventure and prosperity. You were prepared to do the creative work as well as the grunt work. Your vision would become a service or product that filled a need and was worthy of your clients’ investment.

Though you may not have thought about it in any detailed way, you planned on showing up fully as you. After all, the reason you’re taking the risk of self-employment is for the ultimate fringe benefit: independence and the freedom to plot your own course.

The thing about being you - about being human: stuff happens. Storms hit. And the best laid professional plans are practically worthless when you’re in survival mode.

Well, those professional plans aren’t totally worthless. Before crises hit you can set priorities, develop systems, and hire back up so that clients won’t feel seasick when you're caught in a riptide.

And you can decide what’s on the bottom of your list.

This post is to help you decide what to cut loose before the ship starts going down. My suggestion? Your online presence.

Yes, the woman whose business is based on writing, content creation, and feeding the hungry internet beast in a graceful, sustainable way just told you to put your online presence last.

Note: that doesn’t mean that you put your writing last. Goodness knows the only way to survive a personal crisis is often a nice glass of red and a long session with your journal, but I digress…

Why Your All-Important Online Presence Isn’t All That Important Sometimes

You build an online presence in order to increase your visibility. If you’re not being seen you’re not building brand recognition or accruing those vital “know, like, and trust” points.

Does that make the online world sound way too much like appearing at a high school hangout on Friday nights? I meant for you to squirm a little with that one.

As important as visibility is, it’s also a bit trivial. Was one missed party social suicide when you were a sophomore? Is one week without Twitter going to damn you to obscurity?

Of course not. If you completely vanish from, the scene the conversation will eventually move on without you. But if you stick around your professional online haunts even when you feel like an emotionally crippled zombie, you risk your sanity - and potentially your reputation.

But What About Transparency and Authenticity?

Transparency and authenticity are two of the buzziest buzz words out there when people talk about how to “do” social media. They’re also some of the most flexibly defined words in the modern lexicon.

Let’s consult the bona fide word experts at Merriam Webster:

Transparency:  the quality or state of being transparent: able to be seen through; easy to notice or understand; honest and open; not secretive

Authenticity:  the quality or state of being authentic: to be real or genuine : not copied or false

Remember, friend, in this particular scenario, you’re a mess. You want to crawl into your bunk with a big thick book (this one features a shipwreck in keeping with our theme) or take up permanent residence on a desert island.

When you're wracked with doubt or swept up in a personal hurricane, transparency is not necessarily your ally. You don’t want or need to share all the details of this process just because you’re dedicated to being “real” online.

Lots of smart people have explored the intersections of transparency and authenticity (Gina Fiedel offers two of my favorites here  and here.

Transparency is Optional. Authenticity is Mandatory.

You’ve got a lot of discretion when it comes to what you reveal, but as a creative entrepreneur whose work is fueled by your passions, authenticity isn’t something that you want to start skimping on.

Your child is sick. You’re dealing with a mental health issue. Your mother-in-law just moved in. These situations are casting some long shadows over your optimism right now. It may feel good to step into the light of the always glowing digital world and talk about growth and hope, but you may also feel like an underpaid actress desperately pretending the script isn’t flat and the working conditions aren’t horrible.

Sometimes the most authentic, connected thing you can do is gracefully step away from the screen.

You may want to post a little note to the effect of "gone fishin'" or you may simply trust that you'll be back soon enough and your dedicated online community will greet you with open arms when the time is right.

Alternatives to a Complete Digital Hiatus: 3 Ways to Keep Up Online Appearances

Sometimes you need to just pull away. Being online when you feel vulnerable can make you feel too exposed - even if you’re not talking about anything personal. But if you can get your head around doing some simple online chores there are ways to keep up appearances:

• Post from your archives: You barely remember what you wrote last fall, so there’s a good chance that your older material will feel fresh to your readers. Plan ahead and make this easy on yourself: create a spreadsheet and record every post’s title, category, keywords, and meta description so you don’t just start picking old blog posts at random.

• Create media with the books that are getting you through: If a novel or a gripping work of non-fiction is your solace during this tough time, pull some quotes and use WordSwag to create a neat little graphic that’s easy to Instagram and share across social media.

• Build a list of ten or more trusted allies' sites and repost their content: Sharing others’ content may be a natural part of your day when you’re stopping by Facebook regularly, but think ahead for the times when you’re away from your usual digital hang outs. Create a list in Feedly or Twitter and repost content from your savvy friends and wise colleagues.

Despite the fact that I’ve barely been outside in months, I’m still keeping my ship afloat. Check out this week’s Sovereign Standard and subscribe to see you’re not the only one suffering during this long winter and to pick up some inspiration for finding warmth in the endless white veld.

How Business and Creativity Thrive When You Go Beyond the Online/Offline Divide

There are no barriers between the real world, the digital world, and the creative world Remember how there used to be was a wall between “real life” and our internet habits?

Maybe you had a blog you never talked about with friends.  Perhaps you used to feel like your connection to online business contacts was somehow different from your relationship to local clients and colleagues.

Those barriers and distinctions have all but vanished. And with the disappearance of the fourth wall between our online and offline lives, everything has gotten simultaneously more simple and more complicated.

We are both actors and spectators in the electronic and the terrestrial world. We can't go on believing that one space is make believe and the other reality and hope one has no influence upon the other.

When I first started asking questions about the way we performed in our digital and in our analog (read: real) lives, I was troubled that most people didn't seem invested in the topic. Finally, its time has come and we’re all thinking about what the phones and the social media presence is doing to our relationships, our work, and our creativity.

What Photos and Videos Offer… and What They Take Away

Last spring, when typing was nearly impossible thanks to the infant in my arms, I experimented a lot with video. Despite the low production value product, it was an important exercise in visibility and finding my voice in a time that might otherwise have been very insular and isolated.

Online and Offline Balance in Business, Life, and Family highlights the questions I was asking related to the future of Online Empowerment (which is having its own exciting new future without me), but I lay some much bigger questions on the table thanks to inspiration from David Amerland’s Semantic Search:

Forward thinking questions aside, it's worth noting that I have absolutely no memory of making that video. Was it mommy brain (see that I was holding a sweet faced girl who was still working to keep her head up!) or was it "photo-taking impairment effect"?

This NPR story talks about how capturing an image alters the quality of our memories and experiences is part of a bigger conversation going on about how cell phones are squelching creativity.

So, if our brains are being repatterned by our tech habits, what does that do to our business practices?

Livelihood: Thank Goodness We’re Not Digital Marketers!

At this point, we’re pretty much past the question of whether you can build a brand or a platform without social media (though it still gets asked).

Instead we’re seeing that online marketing is so ubiquitous that people are catching attention with headlines like Social Media Has Killed Consumer Trust.

According to Sensei Marketing, the “pendulum has swung back to traditional word of mouth and away from “the wisdom of crowds.’” That means we’re done using “likes” as barometers of quality and are re-dedicating ourselves to the tried and true “ask a friend” approach.

But as creative entrepreneurs, aren’t we “digital marketers”? We blog and tweet and sweat out our online visibility because we know it’s how we’ll grow a business and share our unique wisdom with those who need it most.

This is when we must remember we’re always going to rely on relationships and personal recommendations in a way that the digital marketing behemoths cannot. You are not Coke or Apple (thank the gods!). You are you, and that is so much more attractive to the individual clients you wish to reach.

By virtue of being a real person you are already bridging the real life/digital divide. Now, just be yourself.

Remember: that fourth wall between actor and audience, digital you and real people has fallen down - permanently. There has never been a better time to be a human being talking to another human being, regardless of whether it's face-to-face or over Facebook.

Message: How to Play Nice and Learn Something, Regardless of Medium

There’s a simple way to break down that final barrier between our online and offline consciousness: Stop believing there’s a difference between them. Lany Sullivan reminds us that the social side of media is not different from the social side of life.

That brings us to my favorite post of the week: Building up your swipe copy files: how to make the most of the B-school bombardment. Tanja Gardner of Crystal Clarity Copywriting makes the ultimate lemonade from the Marie Forleo-stamped lemons that will start filling our inboxes and newsfeeds.

Tanja's response - to watch and learn rather than grouse and delete - felt like a grounded, “real life” reaction to unwanted solicitation.  After all, when you meet someone at a networking meeting and they’re promoting something that doesn’t interest you, you can’t just roll your eyes and click delete or unsubscribe. Instead, you find a way to engage and find the point of connection (because really, the person pushing B School is probably still awesome even if she’s obviously motivated by a nice affiliate fee).

Everyday Creative Magic: Knowing When to Engage & When to Turn Within

Every breathing moment is part of our reality, regardless of whether we're glued to a screen or wholly entranced by a sunset, but we still need to protect the primal realms will forever resist hashtaggery.

Our creativity depends on quiet incubation time that can’t yet stand the light of day - or the glare of the screen. Jeffrey Davis offers this video on how to shape online and offline time to balance the “in the woods” and “in the sun” time.

If you’re in the flow and the BIG IDEAS are filling up the journal, please don’t stop writing. When you do emerge from your writer’s den, however, you don’t necessarily have to spread yourself thinner to show up on social media - unless you want to.  You have (at least) four choices about how to approach digital publishing and your online platform when you’re working on the bigger story.

And if you’re feeling like that private creative flow is elusive and you’re being drained by all the digital obligations and distractions, open yourself up to Nancy Seibel’s list of creativity boosters that don’t require a WiFi connection.

The “Problematizer”

One of my favorite college professors coined the term “problematizer” and generally used it to describe any person or idea that disrupted business as usual in Catholic Ireland. The problematizer tended to tip over a few sacred cows, and that's important to the Sovereign Standard ethos too - though we don't limit ourselves to topics in Irish studies!

For all this conscious examination of the online/offline continuum and the reality of both spheres, there are times we like using the online world as a wall to hide behind.

Scary Mommy boldly owns the truth: we use our devices to escape boring, painful situations. Maybe we're goofing off and spacing out. Often we're preoccupied with the phone because we just need to get some work done so we have a shot at cooking dinner instead of serving up another frozen pizza.

And sometimes, that’s gotta be OK too.

This is the second issue of the weekly curated publication, The Sovereign Standard. Get the next issues delivered to your inbox by signing up today.

How to Decide What to Publish When You're Writing the Bigger Story

You’ve been writing. The thoughts are flowing into the journal or popping forth in Evernote-ready snippets. There’s so much excitement around these emerging ideas, but there’s frustration too. Brilliant as the initial flashes of inspiration have been, these new concepts aren’t ready for prime time. You just want to keep up the momentum and ensure that the seeds continue to fall on fertile ground.

And yet there are days when it’s hard to sustain this private garden of possibility. You've got a broader vision and you’re impatient sometimes. Every time you expose yourself to social media's digital torrent of “content” you feel a little more stressed, a little more worried that you’ll be left behind.

“Everyone” is writing and pushing out content constantly - or so it seems. You’re already drowning in information and you’re sure that your ideal reader is overwhelmed too.

You’re caught between the trust in your process and your need to leave some footprints on the digital trail before it's too late.

Whenever that is.

Do You Need to Carry “Publish or Perish” Stress?

Once upon a time, I remember nodding my seventeen year-old head as a worldly college senior talked about the personal attention you’d receive from the faculty at their itty bitty liberal arts school.

With pride, he told our tour group that this place wasn’t “publish or perish.”

I still envision a flock of wizened academic buzzards picking at the bones of the young assistant professors who didn’t grace the pages of some obscure literary journal only read by fourteen other people in the field.

Back then, I dreamed of a life in academia, so I was a little spooked by this early lesson in survival of the fittest. Then I left that world and eventually made my way to entrepreneurship - the proverbial out of the frying pan into the fire, right?

Only You Know What You Must Write

Did you leave a career track full of obligations to start your own creative business adventure only to find that you were prey to countless experts with a new universe of what you “should” do?

At the top of the list is “do content marketing.” It’s a beautiful concept - educate, entertain, and inspire rather than advertise in order to win a community of prospective customers. But the reality is that you start to feel like you’re in a perpetual race to publish to the blog (and to Facebook and to LinkedIn, and…) or perish in obscurity.

This “gotta pen, produce, and publicize” drive is a distraction and downer for anyone, but it is even worse if you find yourself enjoying unprecedented - yet unpublishable - productivity.

Truth is, neither the content marketing imperative or the people who try to sell you easy ways to blog understand what's truly important to your story - especially if you’re filling notebooks with ideas in progress.

You're the only one who can put your bigger dreams above the short term gains of feeding the hungry online content beast.

You Have Choices. But First Acknowledge You Have No Choice

There’s one thing you have no choice about: You must keep writing.

This inspiration that propels you into each day and keeps you up late at night is a gift and your success and growth needs you to protect and cultivate these powers.

But then, you have 4 choices about how to approach publishing and your platform when you're working on the bigger story:

• Write even more: Keep doing what you’re doing in the journal in in the smartphone notes, but then dedicate more time to writing simpler, audience-ready posts based on what you already know.It may be hard to detangle your existing stock of knowledge from the emerging insights, but spend some time developing beginner’s mind and going back to basics. Sometimes the easiest thing to do is to create content in response to your clients’ questions. Dare to make it easy and accessible. This is what people need when they’re first getting to know you. Think of it as preparing to blow their minds when your magnum opus is ready

• Find a different way to be visible: I know that a #365project can make you a better writer. It enables you to be visible and to see your life in a more focused way. Here are two posts that may inspire you to keep writing your own stuff while you find creative ways to connect with your online community each day: The 365 Project as a Creative Process and A 365 Project that Inspires You to Love the Life You Live.

• Work the discovery writing in a more deliberate way: Trust the process. Love the process. Live the process. Keep writing into those ideas! But also appreciate your desire to get these out of the thinking stage and onto the page in a structured way that opens your work to the people who need your work. Find a mastermind partner or learn more about the Message Discovery and Development Process.

• Chill out and explore: Buck the "productivity at all cost" trend and simply allow. Use your online platform in a way that nurtures but does not distract you. If that means taking a social media hiatus, I promise you that everyone will still be here when you return.

If you want to make more time for your own writing and still immerse yourself in what leading thinkers in business, creativity, and progressive leadership are saying, please subscribe to the weekly Sovereign Standard.

Set Your Own Sovereign Standard

You know those magical creative moments when it all just flows? The story or the business idea or the picture emerges and it’s like it was just waiting for you to finally discover it. That’s what it was like for The Sovereign Standard, this new weekly curated newsletter.

In the midst of a typical family Saturdaymorning, the idea announced itself:

Set your own Sovereign Standard - livelihood, message, everyday creative magic

The Sovereign Standard takes its stand at intersection of livelihood, message, and everyday creative magic and aims to give creative entrepreneurs access to noteworthy insights from across the web.

But you know how it is - you careen from visionary brilliance to obsessive wordsmithing. All the initial genius leaches out and the concept begins to feel overanalyzed and underdeveloped.

Sometimes the fault line in an idea stems from a single word.

The flaw in the initial Sovereign Standard “download”? “Intersection.”

Intersection indicates that business and communication and creativity all merge, but it also implies that they’re distinct tracks that are only drawn together from time-to-time by a project like this one.

In truth, you're constantly braiding together of all those strands - all of the elements of life and work, body and soul.  To set your own Sovereign Standard, you take all aspects of your life into account and, consciously as you can, integrate them all.

Why Would a Writer Want to Curate Other People’s Stuff?

Thanks for starting with me from the very beginning. Here’s a window into the “why” of this new Sovereign Standard adventure.

In a word: connection.

The goal of a weekly round up + commentary is to expand your connections in a meaningful way by introducing you to fellow creative entrepreneurs as well as leading thinkers in business, creativity, and progressive leadership.

The Sovereign Standard community may be rich with solo entrepreneurs, but this is not a bastion of the DIY mindset. To borrow a term from a great community builder, Jeffrey Davis of Tracking Wonder, it’s about DIT - Do It Together.

Jeffrey names the contradiction  that so many creative entrepreneurs face: “We want to feel supported in our work, but when we receive it, we don't know what to do with it. We don’t trust it.” In this detailed and, yes, lengthy piece he lays down a compelling case for why support and collaboration are vital to even the most brilliant solo acts.

That support may be found in hiring a WordPress whiz or a writing coach. You may get the support you need by simply opting into the e-newsletters that really speak to you.

In the process of building up this publication, I’ll also build my own connections as I read with your needs in mind. I get to create relationships with smart, tuned-in writers and media makers who are saying things that matter.

And, yes, I admit that I am working to build my email newsletter list. I trust that the insights carefully gathered from at least a dozen other sources will be more compelling than sending you the same single voice each week.

These aren't new ideas. They don't have to be.

Curation encourages connection and community

Think you may want to build community in a similar way? You wouldn't be copying me. You’d be joining a growing cadre of content curators who understand that their tribe is plagued by information overload. Your tribe would appreciate it if someone they trust would handpick some “must reads” each week.

I trust Copyblogger products and after investing many car rides in the Rainmaker podcast, I can tell you I trust their CEO Brian Clark’s instincts.

He has launched his own new curation project. The process is detailed in three episodes beginning with this on Content Curation Positioning. I immersed myself in this topic over the last few weeks and can also recommend an earlier episode that gives an overview of the entire curation as content concept.

Soon you’ll notice that many of the people you trust most on the web are building a community by assembling useful, compelling resources all the time.

The day before I announced a weekly feature that would speak to livelihood, message, and creativity, I came across Gina Fiedel’s article that drew those exact ideas together - and curated the hell out of some quality content too.

Her post, which ostensibly focuses on how to connect to your creativity even when trying to feed the content beast blossoms into a chorus that celebrates the blending of writing and marketing, creativity and productivity, and work and play.

Gina offers: “Here’s a secret I told myself. If I start with play and if I continue in that vein, what I end up with contains more overall creative style and elements than if I hadn't done that. I achieve both creative process and (hopefully) a creative product.”

This is the delightful pivot point. All this writing, all this curating, all this community building that our work depends on is enlivened by play.

Play is How We Make Friends and Build Connections

"We are fully human only while playing, and we play only when we are human in the truest sense of the word." - Rudolf Steiner

Play is the space we learn how to engage with others.  Play is also the space we learn to engage with ourselves.

Play makes taking risks feel less threatening. Play is riddled with successes and failures.  It’s suppose to be. Failing means learning.

Play is how we learn and grow; long into adulthood. Play is a doing activity, not a trying activity. We don’t try to play, we play.

When you're hooked on productivity, play seems like a chore. We work to build community (yep, I say above that I am "working to build my email list"). But really, do we win friends through work or play? Really, any newsletter list worth having is full of people you'd like to call friends.

Better to attract new friends to your hive with the sweetness of play rather than the sweat of work, right?

Recently I’ve been redefining play in my house to make for our collective imagination and really see one another. If knocking a few Disney Princesses off their thrones appeals to you, check out When You Wish Upon Someone Else’s Marketing Star.

Saundra Goldman of The Creative Mix is a self-professed “serious girl” (but I can attest she has a great laugh!). She is making 2015 the year of #ContinuousPractice. This #365project is intended to document her daily writing practice and to encourage others to show up to their creative endeavors each day.

Though not ostensibly about play, sharing evidence of your daily practice can build connections in much the same way that playing can… You show your authentic self and you dare to be vulnerable. You invite people close in a way that efforting never quite permits. Since you're not a photographer it's ok if every image isn't perfect.

It’s an honor to know that Saundra credits me with inspiring her photo-a-day project. My 365 Project as a Creative Process appeared on her blog recently. Just a few other creatives who have picked up the 365 habit include Brenna Layne (#rootsandwings), Ginny Lee Taylor (#livetrue), Deirdre Walsh (#justbreathe), and Lauren Ayer.

As Saundra asks, “What would it take to make today Day One?” If you need a little more encouragement or incentive to consider launching your own #365 project, here’s a post on how daily photos make you a better writer. If it feels overwhelming you may want to modify the yearlong project to suit your needs and resources.

But Is Everything Supposed to Be Integrated?

I’m a self-avowed #365project evangelist, but what are the downsides to all that photo snapping and sharing? Is it play or process? Is it obsessive brand building? Is it an exploitation of your own intimate moments?

In When a Picture Breeds A Thousand Questions Blair Glaser asks some probing questions about why we’re motivated to capture a sunset and then share it. Blair concludes “I write this post not as a judge, but as a witness: A witness to the changes that are happening in my business, in my brain, in my life, and in the way our culture is shaping these changes.”

#365SovereignReality blank slate for the #newtechcity Bored and Brilliant challenge

She then introduces the Bored and Brilliant project from WNYC’s New Tech City podcast. It’s a collective experiment in putting down the phone and embracing the power of daydreaming. This is “challenge week” and they’re putting out daily podcasts encouraging you to change your phone behavior.

Tuesday’s challenge: don’t take a photo.  Not only do I have a photo-a-day commitment, but it was my daughter’s first birthday, so I failed miserably (but cheerfully).

Listen to the episode (only 6 minutes) and make up your own mind about the “photo taking impairment effect” and whether it’s detracting from life as you’re living it. I won’t be quitting my #365SovereignReality practice, but I will be monitoring how I’m using the camera to witness the moment and decide if I'm shortchanging my senses and my memories.

Setting Your Own Sovereign Standard

This is the first step in a new adventure - finding the Sovereign Standard that serves each of us as individuals, but doing it collaboratively.

To get The Sovereign Standard delivered each week (and to let me know you'd like to be featured in future editions), sign up today.

When You Wish Upon Someone Else’s Marketing Star

Nine ways some marketing stars* are like Disney princesses

1. They promise that every dream comes true.
2. They’re dead sexy (or at least their message is).
3. They may try to convince you that getting noticed by the right people is as easy as wishing on a star.
4. They make you long for a world that's more like theirs - even though you don't actually want that glitzy lifestyle.
5. They draw you in with promises (like simple success formulas and glass slippers) that seem empty or impossible.
6. It’s hard to get their slick, auto-tuned messages out of your head.
7. They suggest that everything outside their glittering walls of pomp and hype is a little scary and messy.
8. Finally, when you refuse their manufactured dreams, you have a hangover from the processed perfection.
9. When you see them for what they really are, you're deeply, deeply grateful to be free of their version of reality.

* Some, not all, of the big name marketing minds, mind you. You know the type... the ones who use the equivalent of internet megaphones to offer quick fixes and fairy tale results.

But, even when you tune in to the ethical, well-meaning purveyors of marketing advice, you have to be sure you stay true to your own goals and story.

That One Night I Banished Anna and Elsa

The kids and I been stuck inside for four days thanks to icy rain. Husband had the stomach flu and went to bed the second he got home for work. I was just getting over the same bug and wanted to hide under the covers too. This was not going to be a good night.

I was attempting something more virtuous than frozen pizza for dinner. “Let It Go” was on Pandora again. My kindergartener told me she was Princess Elsa and I was Princess Anna and the baby could not play. "Now, Mummy, first you say..."

And I snapped.

“Enough! Disney has colonized your imagination and stolen all your stories!” (Yes, I really do talk to my child that way. Yes, she does occasionally stop me by declaring “Mom, you said too many words again.”)

“I’m the Queen around here," I declared, "and I banish all Disney princesses from this house tonight. I will be anyone you want me to be, but no Anna and no Elsa and nobody else from the movies in the cabinet!”

Let me be clear: there’s nobody to blame for the Disney contagion but us. My husband and I either bought the DVDs or allowed them to pass through the gates. Some were soundly rejected after one viewing (don’t get me started on Peter Pan). We found enough value - or enough banality - in the others to turn a blind eye to what princess worship might be teaching our girl.

Though our daughter only sees about two movies a month, they’ve each made their impression. It seems that even limited exposure to the Disney code is enough to alter a child’s inner landscape. She has been programmed by their predictable plots and stock characters and endless rules of engagement, all inspired by that Magic Kingdom we swear we'll never take her to.

That night, I broke the pink sparkly spell. I made my decree. And something magical happened.

The kitchen danced with the grace of the Fairy Dainty Queen, baby god Moira, and a house pixie who cleaned up every game and art supply (without being asked!). I was Queen Audre and little sister was the princess Leatrix. There were costume changes and dance breaks and dragons on the loose. A healthy dinner was cooked, no tears were shed, and I had the most remarkable evening of motherhood - ever.

We were free to find each other in our own stories. No one bashed her head against against the way it “should” be. There were no clashes in this truly creative play.

Maybe I’m confusing correlation with causation, but you miss the magic when you try to analyze things like that. I had the time of my life when my daughter took the reins of her own authentic story. I was my own queen in her private tale, not a co-opted corporate drone. It felt damn good. It felt like Sovereign Reality.

The one size fits all advice that has drowned out your story

So, who has co-opted your entrepreneurial imagination? Who has defined success for you and offered you a guaranteed process for fame and fortune? Who has lured you to join their list with the promise they’d reveal the secret breakthrough solution for your business growth blues?

Maybe you can’t even name names since they all blur together into a massive “them” that seems to ooze a confidence and success that you find both intoxicating and disconcerting.

Out of all the business gurus out there, it’s the content marketing experts who offer “the easy way to deliver that amazing content to keep your customers coming back for more” who really get to me. They’re the most bothersome and beguiling to the potential writers I care about most.

The “create epic content!” contingent tends to get inside the heads of people with important, nuanced stories to tell. These stories from the soul can’t instantly be cut into blog sized pieces and served up in epically engaging portions. These stories can and should grace social media and the blogosphere, and they can be used to build a business, but there’s deeper discovery work to do before one can churn out a thousand words and hit “publish.”

It’s true that content creation is important. People are drawn to you when you showcase your expertise and tell powerful stories that inspire, educate, and entertain. But when you try to push content into the world before it’s ready according to someone else’s method, you’re destined for disappointment.

In fairness, these big marketing names do have some really great insights into how to gain attention and sell product. They can even tell you about what sort of stories are most likely to engage a prospect and how to follow through to create a long term relationship with a customer.

But there are important aspects of the creative, visionary entrepreneur’s story that get lost in the big, slick presentation.

• How can you “create epic content” before  you truly know your own story and why it’s of significance to the work you’re doing for the world?
• How can you follow someone else’s one size fits all blueprint when you’re dedicated to creating something that has never been seen before?
• How can you find your own true, singular voice when you’re trying to sing along to the tune of the guy with the most newsletter subscribers?

What’s possible for you when you refuse to heed the message that appeals to the masses?

Small business owners and solo entrepreneurs are like today’s busy parents: so well-meaning yet so overextended. Both are vulnerable to solutions that promise “don’t try so hard, it can be so fun and simple!”

Disney is as much a part of childhood as bedwetting and mac n’ cheese. It’s so ubiquitous, we rarely stop to evaluate its quality or its values. Even if you’re like my husband and me, it’s easier to ignore the reservations and go with the flow since it could be so much worse. And really, you’re too overwhelmed with everything else to fight the Mouse and his begowned henchwomen.

And those experts’ recommendations (that occasionally sound like commandments) about how to be a Pinterest rockstar and a Facebook badass and a content marketing machine… They seem like they’re an unquestionable part of running a successful online business too.

Make sure you stand out, they say, but conform to these basic rules.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

“We can use their ideas, but Disney isn’t in charge of how we play and the stories we tell.”

That’s what I told my daughter just this morning when she wondered whether it was okay that she used a brown crayon to color “Coronation Elsa.”

So, how can you look at all you’ve heard from the hectic world of “do this” “don’t do that” marketing and shape these ideas to serve your own narrative? How can you say “thanks but no thanks” to the glass slipper that may fit for the night but will end up causing you to trip and break your neck?

For more insights into how to plot your own business destiny subscribe to The Sovereign Standard, the weekly publication for entrepreneurs seeking to share their message, create a livelihood, and enjoy some everyday creative magic.

How a 365 photo project makes you a better writer

The more pictures you take, the better writer you’ll become. Yeah, right, you say. Writing makes you a better writer, not messing around with photo filters and getting lost in the endless Instagram dinner plate captures.

From more than a year’s experience of daily shooting and posting, I can promise you that the process really does take you closer to your writing goals - especially when it comes to writing for the digital universe.

Five Things Writers Gain From a 365 Photo Project

• Discipline: In order to become the sort of writer you want to be you need to practice. Once you establish that you can do something every day, like taking a picture and sharing it to social media, you prove to yourself that you can do anything - including writing every day.
• Visibility: Being a writer isn’t just about writing - at least not if you want people to read your stuff. Daily images boost your overall online profile, even if they aren’t each perfectly aligned with the work you ultimately wish to promote. In 2014, I participated in the #365feministselfie project. Did all those pictures of my kids and me tell you about what I can do as an author and a writing coach? No, but they told you a lot about me and that’s what will really help potential clients pick me and future readers get excited about my books.
• Brevity: Photo projects aren’t just about the visual. The picture is worth a thousand words, of course, but the words you use to introduce and contextualize the image still matter. One of the most important skills for online writing is the ability to be engaging and yet concise. When you're limited  by what your thumbs can comfortably tap into your phone and you know shouldn’t say more than your distracted viewers will take in, you learn the skill of the the short and sweet. (Full disclosure: I have trouble with this and often write wicked long captions because they're still quicker than a blog post!)
• Outliers: To paraphrase Alice in Wonderland, you’ve surely imagined six visionary creative projects before breakfast, but they’re all outlier ideas you have to dismiss. They're “distractions” from your “real” project. What if your daily photo snap could be a five minute journey into those excess ideas? Your satisfying the muse and you're cataloging those ideas for later.
• Play: Though defined as “pleasurable and apparently purposeless activity," we know that play is so much more than that. It is what keeps us vibrant, engaged, and flexible on every level. You’re not a photographer. Your pictures will only occasionally be brilliant. Allow that and find delight as you mess around with something you don’t have to be good at.

Is there a downside to devoting a few minutes a day to a 365 project?

I'm an unabashed #365project devotee and I can't imagine I'll ever quit, the practice has so many benefits. If I stretch, I can find one downside though...

I take pictures to illustrate the story going on in my head, whether its actually from a piece of fiction I’m working on or part of my professional or personal story.

My images likely suffer since I’m grabbing the phone to snap a pic to explain a work in progress rather than seeing the magic of the moment or object itself. Taken out of context, the picture may not be all that meaningful to your audience (and you’re practicing brevity in those captions and don’t want to write a novel about each pic).

But that is the joy of a 365 project - you always have a chance to make a distinctive piece of art tomorrow! And again, simply showing up every day and creating a 365 piece puzzle has a magic of its own for your visibility. Every puzzle piece isn't meant to stand alone.

But really, should you just do a #Write365 project?

Yes, you could always do a 365 writing project… It would help you build discipline and visibility and maybe brevity, but there’s a great chance you’ll lose out on the play and the chance to explore those outlier ideas.

My project for the year is called #365SovereignReality. Follow me on Instagram or Google+ for a window into my 2015 as I discover what it means to “become sovereign in my own reality.”

5 Epiphanies for a Writer Frustrated By Blogging

Tell me, do you reach a point in life when you’re no longer embarrassed by what you did five years ago? It would be nice to imagine that someday you won’t blush at the thought of what you wore, what you watched, or what you blogged about.

The fashion and entertainment industries exist because they’ve convinced us that new is always better. And the internet is in the thick of its own maturation process, which means time is constantly sped up.

We're practically compelled to reinvent ourselves every few years - and feel a little sheepish about what we offered up as our most stylish look or most polished work just half a decade before.

My writing from five years ago makes me squirm.

The Story of a Young Blogger

Between 2007 and early 2010 I blogged in fits and starts. The Girl Who Cried Epiphany was the perfect description for a woman who bounced from one “ah ha” moment to the next, giddy with each new idea and almost sure no one had ever looked at things quite the way she did.

I began as a writer on a spiritual quest and was eventually a new mother seeking to escape the 9-5. I loved my baby, Byzantine sentences, obscure Irish poets, and trying on different faiths, and I wanted everyone to know about because… well, because!

So many words, so many assertions, so much earnestness shared on a site that didn’t include my real name or my picture.

I wasn’t exactly sure what I was doing, but  I was terribly serious about it. Eventually, I just knew I’d be recognized for being smart and nice and worthy of praise.

But I was so frustrated that the more I cared about the blog and the process, the less my tiny audience seemed to care.

They Call that a “Hobby Blog,” Friend

If anyone had dared dismissed my nightly writing sessions as a mere hobby I would have been mortified. A hobby involves macrame or painting model airplanes in the basement! This was my art and my soul. It was my own super important journey - and doing it publicly was part of my dream of changing the world.

Fast forward to 2015. I’m more likely to get blogging inspiration from the likes of Jon Morrow (the Boost Blog Traffic guy) rather than Thomas Merton (the contemplative monk.)

Morrow compares serious bloggers to hobby bloggers I know what he means because clearly I used to be one of the latter.

But, there’s also so much to learn from that hopeful twenty-something who was so dedicated to self-discovery (and to writing sentences that stretched on for four or more lines).

5 Epiphanies that Could Transform the Wannabe Thought Leader  

We’ve all asked this question: if I knew back then what I know now, where would I be? Pointless navel gazing, but these five recommendations could help rescue a could-be serious blogger from the hobby zone today.

Have a goal. Yes, we write to discover who we are and what we think. When you begin writing you likely won’t even know how to articulate your big goals.  That’s why you’re writing! Start by acknowledging that you want your blog to take you somewhere and write in that direction each day. “Draft to discover” - Jeffrey Davis’s gift of a term - is an essential part of the writing process and the thinking process. My old Wordpress blog was a draft to discover laboratory - or it could have been. But that sort of meandering public self-discovery project is not nearly enough to consistently impact readers’ lives.

Tell captivating, elevating stories. That’s what brings in readers and keeps them. Those stories aren’t accidents that spring from your stream of consciousness post of the day. After “Draft to discover” Jeffrey Davis invites the creative to “craft to design.” That means you’re revising and honing your message, but not because you seek perfection. You do it because you seek connection.

It’s not about you. “Make the buyer the hero” is a concept that Chris Brogan has written about a lot. Even if you’re not trying to sell anyone on anything other than you own credibility, this still applies. As a blogger it’s up to you to invite readers into the narrative. Even if the story is ostensibly about you, allow them to see themselves in the story you tell (come on, I know you’re thinking about what you might have posted online back in 2008).

Know the value of attention. The attention of an audience is a privilege that you earn. It almost always takes a long time to garner the sort of attention that will sustain you over the long haul. You don’t deserve acclaim just because you’re a wonderful person with lots of ideas. If that were the case, you and I would be famous and my spell checker wouldn’t know the word “Kardashian.”

Remember where you’re writing. This is this internet. It is not a book, it is not a term paper or your thesis, and it is not a professional document. Don’t sacrifice your voice to imitate how they write on People.com or even Copyblogger, but remember that people are reading your work on an iPhone, not from a leather bound volume. Work with their splintered modern attention spans - at least a little bit.

How to Do Self-Discovery… Differently

Maybe it sounds like I’m being a little hard on the quest for self-knowledge and dismissing it as so five years ago. That isn’t my intention. After all, I offer something called the Message Discovery & Development Process.

I believe in the discovery process with every fiber of my creative entrepreneurial being, but I only arrived there after I worked through a ton of resistance.

As soon as I started my own business I dismissed the discovery process as a luxury and only made time for it when I hit a total dead end (I’ve made several professional wrong turns that make me blush more than my old blog ever could). Completely swept up with doing, I was frantically following “expert” advice and trying to mimic others’ success.

Now, I’m dedicated to shaving years off your business message discovery process.

Yes, keep writing and keep searching and keep being vulnerable and allowing yourself to get it wrong. But don’t just free write on your blog, praying for the next epiphany to strike and catapult you to the fame you deserve.

There’s more to this process of discovery and to this sort of public writing. The world you want to change needs you to do it differently.

Let's talk about how I can help you discover your message and put out a message you'll be proud of in 2020 and beyond.

PS: It's the Feast of the Epiphany. Feast your eyes on Marisa-in-progress with a couple January 6th posts from 2008 and 2010. Sweet and spirited, but most likely under the heading of "what not to do."

A Working Definition of #365SovereignReality

Sovereign Reality is the power of life and love. - Moira, age 5

It’s New Year’s Day. We’re all together and being cheered by the constant buzz of the crowd (countless college bowl games to watch, of course). Our friends cancelled their visit, so suddenly I have time to figure out how this #365SovereignReality project will actually take shape.

Fresh off 2014’s #365FeministSelfie project, I’ve dropped many hints about what’s next. I’ve been enamored with the phrase Sovereign Reality for a while because I've known it's more just than my novels in progress. It’s the Bigger Story I must tell.

I haven’t been sure what a 365 project bearing this name would actually look like, but I knew it was exactly what I had to do. Not necessarily a selfie or even a photo each day, but something. #365SovereignReality is an exploration of the concept that has found its way to the core of my life.

The pen is always the surest guide

I pulled out the art supplies because I had a vision. Though I'd been distracted from Jeffrey Davis’s December-long community project, #Quest2015 and preoccupied with the launch of this new website, the Quest prompts that I missed were clearly lodged like stones in my shoes. I could try to walk them off, clearly I'll have to stop the trudge into the new year and take the time to answer each one.

Today I would respond to Sunni Brown is leader of The Doodle Revolution who asks:

How could you make moments of joy a sacred priority in 2015? What forms will such moments take? Doodle, draw, photograph, or write your way into these questions and share your responses.

The champagne was poured into an elegant flute. The flower arrangement from my mentor and healing teacher was place on the Italian tiled table. The Crayola markers and the styrofoam crown and the teething toys weren’t actually gone, but they were outside the camera frame.

I was going to make art and write my way to clarity!

The first attempt, boldly scrawled across the first pages of beloved journal I'd used for half my life (inserting a new sketch book each year or so) was just awful. Not to be deterred, I decided to pull out a special journal I’d been saving for... something. This fresh start would alert the muse that it was time to start manifesting Sovereign Reality on the page.

I'm off to a great start, but then, of course, the baby wakes up. I leave my five year old at the table, her own art supplies mixing with mine.

Some time later, I emerge from the bedroom - feeling victorious that baby girl was asleep again and the magical nectar of the goddess that I happen to make on demand had worked its magic and bought me more doodling time. Husband stops me at the door with “I have to tell you something, but you can’t freak out.”

Because the ideal always has to give way to reality

Visions of a kindergartener at a table full of paint and ink and bubbly alcohol… What had happened to my journal? That still-beautiful book that my folks gave me for high school graduation, that had crisscrossed Europe without ever getting soaked in beer, and that was still my constant companion?

Turns out, she’d written my name across my second, much more successful attempt at creating a Day One worthy #365SovereignReality image.

I’ve been hoping that this yearlong exploration of Sovereign Reality would come with its own measure of grace. So far, I haven’t been disappointed. I calmly asked daughter to make sure she asked before she signed other people’s art work and then turned to husband, “This project is about reality… what’s more real than this?”

Back to drawing side-by-side, Moira was earnestly copying what I’d written. S-o-v… I asked her what she thought it meant. After several minutes, she spoke with quiet assurance as she continued to shape each careful letter:

“Sovereign Reality is the power of life and love.

I could quit this whole project now, satisfied with that answer. Of course, I'll continue throughout 2015 anyway. I will follow my daughter's lead and seek power, life, and love throughout this quest for moments that embody Sovereign Reality.

So, my friend, happy new year. I’d love to have you with me for this new journey. Find me at Google+, over on Facebook, or at Instagram.

A 365 Project that Inspires You to Love the Life You Live

What’s one thing you absolutely do every single day? If you’re like most people, the answer is “brush my teeth.”

But then, there’s a tribe of people that smiles when they answer that question - and not just because they have nice, clean pearly whites. I know this smile because I wear it too. I can’t help but grin because I love my answer and I love my daily, without-fail habit.

A 365 project.

Every day of 2014 I took a picture of myself with my iPhone, used one of several fun apps to slap “#365feministselfie” onto the image, and shared it to Instagram, Facebook, and Google+. What may seem like just another act of social media fueled narcissism was actually an important self-care practice, a visibility strategy, and an opportunity to see yourself and the world in a whole new way.

The Selfie Isn’t All About Self Obsession

Veronica Arreola of the blog Viva La Feminista launched #365feministselfie at the start of 2014 for a number of great reasons including, “I do not see myself represented in the media, so I’m making my own!”

Last January I felt lost behind an eight months along baby bump. I didn’t have the time or the energy to do much for myself besides take vitamins and read novels, but I did have it in me to pull out my phone and snap a picture.

North American was lost in the Polar Vortex and my pregnant woman’s glow was hidden behind sweaters and scarves and the sheer exhaustion of running a business and mothering a preschooler. Taking time from my day to witness the miracle of this body I’ve been blessed with was only going to happen if I was held accountable to some grander project that everyone could see.

I needed those selfies a year ago, and I need the daily ritual still.

How to succeed at your own yearlong project (whether it’s 365 or not)

Are you feeling the call of the 365 project this year?

Lately, I've become something of a 365 evangelist. Like any convert I was aglow with the wonders of my chosen elixir and was quite convinced that it could change everyone’s life for the better.

So, even as I talked about all the benefits from visibility to the mindful pauses to the historical record I’d created for my daughters, people were quick to offer their resistance. The biggest fears weren’t as much about commitment (though that’s a biggie for most people) as much as they were about concerns about creating decent content day in and day out.

With a selfie project you just need to be able to leave your vanity at the doorstep of the new year (unless you’re one of those people who manages to look gorgeous every day!). I could never get away from my #365feministselfie canvas, of course, though there were plenty of moments when I felt was too weary and pale to submit myself to the public eye. That’s the chance to get creative or get brave.... over the year I did a lot of both.

But what if you are creating a professional-themed project that requires more than ducklips or a quick snap with the cute baby in your lap?

One friend is an interior designer and she’s considering a project about color. Another local mom entrepreneur is thinking about how to turn her new concept in a daily project. They’re in love with the idea of bringing what they love to life every day, but how… They’re already dancing with overcommitment and they don’t need to spend any more time staring at their phones.

The answer is found in weekly rituals and daily serendipity. Make it a 52 project and commit to putting something out there on the same day each week - without fail.

Just as a life is the sum total of each breath, the weekly project is the sum of each day. You want to create content every day if you can because that makes the weekly posts into simple round ups.

Say you’re a clothing designer who wants to dive deep into the colors and textures of fabric that surround you. Here's a way to break down the steps and integrate this new project into your routine:

• Take at least three or four pictures each week that really speak to you and share them on Instagram.
• Curate one or two articles from around the web that expand your perspective and share them on Twitter.
• Write one or two brief but thoughtful Facebook or Google+ posts related to how you are seeing color and texture.
• Do all these small tasks while considering the end of the week post… How do these serendipitous discoveries contribute to the unique vision that your community loves you for? To create the weekly post you just need to pull all the pieces together, write a quick intro, and sum it all up with a good call to action.

Let's 365 together

In 2017, I'm introducing #365magicwords. Get the details and join me on Instagram!

Clutter, Family Tension, and the Dream of Life with Less Stuff

Something stinks in this house, but I promise the diaper pail has been emptied, the cat box cleaned, and the garbage cans brought to the curb. You know when you open a new shower curtain there’s that chemical reek that makes you wonder whether humanity has signed a collective suicide pact with a poison pen? I’m overcome by that stench right now and it’s wafting from the homes of every family engaged in "typical" 21st century family life.

That smell isn't just coming from the shower curtains… it’s in everything from the Tupperwares that hold leftovers we’ll never eat to the cheap imported toys our kids will never play with.

The biggest fights my husband and I have are over clutter and house cleaning. Sure, we’re really arguing about something immaterial and much more important, but it's the crap we keep tripping over that makes us fall into arguments and lose ourselves through fits of martyred isolation. ("I'm the only one who does everything around here!" "You don't see me, you only see what I failed to do!")

Anyway, we find ourselves without plans on the Saturday before Christmas, which already has me feeling uneasy (shouldn't we be out doing something festive to show our kids we care, never mind that we have two or three things planned for tomorrow?). I feel the anxiety wash over us and threaten to drown the day as I push an island of construction paper and markers to the center of the dining table so we can all sit down to eat together.

Cue the Mommy Rage

I want to escape this wretched, cluttered hell hole, but then I remember that this house (this vast, beautiful, underwater-mortgage house) is meant to be our center of peace and renewal where love and memories roost and thrive.

I'm angry that this sanctuary has been taken from us. I'm angry at us for being such slobs.

I'm at once the victim and the avenging angel. We're persecuted at our own hands and the hands of those who allegedly love us. We're being brought down by our STUFF. We will vanquish greed and we will see the floor again, dammit!

And so, we embark on a journey to the center of the stink - the nightmare that is "the toy area." Once upon a time, this spot behind the couch that used to hold bookshelves. That was before the Barbies and the Jedis arrived and all my author friends were exiled to lopsided stacks in the basement.

As a family, we plough through endless little pieces of plastic and synthetic fur covered animals. I swear the whole place reeks with the poisonous gas of petroleum byproducts. And then I watch my pure little baby gnawing on everything from fancy European teething toys to that glitzy, feathered Dollar Store tiara.

Now, Now. Be Nice.

Santa's watching and none of this is very nice.

Nice… that’s what we were trying to be as new parents who bought the alphabet blocks and accepted countless Fisher Price castaways. That’s what grandparents and aunties and friends visiting from out of town are trying to be when they give the girls another teddy bear.

And we’re being nice when we tramp down our anger and our desire to nail this proclamation to the front door and the top of the Facebook profiles: “Give thee not plastic crap and other ridiculous toys. Our children need not your charity nor your hand me downs. They need your attention and your love!”

(I have no idea why this proclamation must be worded in an awkward approximation of fairy tale English other than I’m hiding behind humor to make the message seem, well, nicer.)

But there’s another nasty, naughty shadow looming over our best tidying efforts… Because I need to prove to my daughters - and to the world - that we are very nice people, there’s actually more, brand new plastic crap hidden in the closet. On Christmas morning, for at least 15 minutes that stuff will seem like loved tied up with red and green bows. By New Year's Eve, favorites will emerge and the stuff that didn’t make the cut will be lost under the couch or covered in indiscriminate baby drool.

“Santa made me do it!” is starting to sound like a really lame excuse.

And so, still fueled by my anger and despair, I’m thinking way beyond the bag of matchbox cars in front of me.

Becoming an Activist in the Anti-Stuff Revolution

I know we’re not the only ones who feel this way. I’ve been spending time with home designers lately - one a dear friend and one a dear client. Their work isn’t about picking the right drapes. It’s about helping people create livable spaces that reflect the way they really want to live. We need professional help to feel at home in our houses because we’re so alienated by all this random detritus that seems an inevitable part of life.

And I’m looking deeper to the origins of this shadow - the designers can help me organize all this junk, but it’s up to me to control what actually makes it through the door.

I’m dreaming of a movement where we all have the courage to say “thanks, but no thanks.” No more party favors, no more souvenirs from the airport, no more collectible sets of your favorite Disney friends. No more stuff.

If someone want’s a gift, give a ballet class or pay for a day of summer camp. It was painful to realize we boxed worthless stuff that originally cost hundreds of dollars but that we’ll struggle to pay for July’s Wild Earth camp when registration opens in a few months.

I can’t imagine I need a new project in 2015, but I would love to put Kim John Payne’s Simplicity Parenting into action in this way by convincing other families that we can stop wrapping gifts and instead offer support - and experiences - that count.

Ideas, inspiration, and commiseration welcome!

Note: This post was inspired by a prompt offered as part of  Jeffrey Davis's December, 2014 project called #Quest2015  in which twelve visionaries offered twelve questions to inspire you to live your best twelve months. I was responding to Eric Klein of WisdomHeart.com who asked:  "How will you face your shadow bag and stop the stink, so you can bring forth what is best within you in 2015? What can you claim right now?"

"It's Different for Moms" Is a Cop Out

“Pursue knowledge, daily gain. Pursue Tao (wisdom), daily loss.” – Tao Te Ching We often think too much about adding new things, when the source of a lot of our growth is eliminating old things. What do you need to STOP doing in 2015? And what do you need to do to make that STOPPING more than an intention?

So asks Charlie Gilkey of Productive Flourishing. offers this prompt as part of Jeffrey Davis’s #Quest2015 – “12 days with 12 visionaries to imagine your 12 best months.” (I’m collecting some of my responses on this blog. Read others here and here.)

When I first read this prompt, I had an immediate reaction, and it wasn’t that pleasant. I don’t know Charlie at all. I’ve landed on his website a couple times and I’ve listened to a couple of podcasts. But truthfully, My lack of knowledge about Charlie and his story didn’t give me any pause as the internal chatter began.

Hush now. It's Different for Moms.

“Typical guy perspective, assuming that STOPPING is some sort of innovative, foreign concept! I can think of half a dozen things I should stop doing right now: stop snapping at my daughters when I’m actually angry with myself; stop eating this and drinking that; stop checking my phone first thing in the morning; stop leaving the garage door open; stop subscribing to services I don’t have time to use; stop putting ‘couch downtime’ over intimacy.”

“See, Charlie!” I exclaimed inside my head. (Charlie had ceased to be an actual person and just became The Man Named Charlie). “I’m steeped in the wisdom of elimination! And not just because I track a baby’s bowel movements each day. I so get that the key to happiness isn’t to do more and have more. As a mother I understand that simplicity is fundamental. And let me tell you, I know I don't need to add one more thing to my list. Yeah, thanks Charlie - I totally got this. But there are about a million ways the world would fall apart if I STOPPED, so I’ll fulfill my duty to this this prompt later."

My final thought, “This guy seems really accomplished. But he’s not really speaking to me. After all, it’s different for moms.”

Revisiting and Reevaluating Judgment

And then I launched into my wild thicket of a day in which I hoped to get some writing done on my book, plan the menu for the week and grocery shop with a real strategy (for once), work on my website copy, and clean the house a little. Oh, and mother that teething baby who was going to be with me all day long.

Halfway through athe morning that had nothing to show for it but a new pile of dirty dishes and dirty diapers and a failed nap attempt, I heard a new voice trying to interrupt my self righteous little interior monologue. My electrical engineer husband, who generally leaves the conversation and the analysis to me, had remarked a few weeks ago, "for someone who is supposed to be so open minded, you're really judgmental sometimes."

Oh, dammit. Um, sorry Charlie.

Moving Beyond Sexism, Ideology, and those Judgtastic Tendencies

Back when husband made that observation about my judgtastic tendencies I'd scribbled a journal entry that never made it to the screen. In a nutshell… Happen to remember the #shirtstorm? The lead scientist who landed something or other on a comet made a very poor wardrobe choice during his moment in the limelight. The polo shirt, covered in scantily clad female video game characters was seen as an outrageous slight to women in STEM. Others were outraged that all bloggers people could talk about was an ugly shirt when real scientific history was being made.

All worked up, I took my side with the earthlings who deserved to be affronted by yet another blatant example of women’s objectification. After all, I’m a feminist - it’s my job to speak against chauvinism and to enlighten the masses who still don’t get that sexism is a problem. Screw the bigger picture and the Star Trek fantasies - that shirt was a trigger and I was so happy go off like a gender equality seeking missile according to the script.

Then there was this series of intriguing, important conversations on Google+ about this whole issue (where I’d first heard about the whole flap). These social media exchanges and thatan eye opening chat with husband made me realize I was giving away a whole lot of personal agency whenif I leptwas going to leap at every bit of antifeminist link bait and ignored the bigger picture. (Comet landings may actually be more important than one deeply foolish individual after all.)

In 2015, Let's Quit...

So, this was weeks ago and I was meant to have learned my lesson about making snap judgments and choosing ideology over critical thinking. But it seems that it takes more than a few Google+ posts to change what is likely a lifelong habit. It also takes a quest!

So, here’s what I am stopping in 2015:

• Making snap judgements in order to protect myself, speed tasks that seem too tricky, and save me from rigorous self-inquiry
• Hiding behind ideologies that give me the stock answers to questions both simple and complex and help me hide behind tribe-think

And here’s one more that’s even more personal…

• I’m going to stop using my children as an excuse to play it small, ignore counsel that could help me grow, and to avoid taking personal risks.

Again, sorry Charlie. My judgmental little heart is full of gratitude.

When a Disappointing Start is Exactly What You Need

Who are you willing to disappoint or offend or upset or abandon… for the sake of the Great Work that’s calling you for your best 2015?

Michael Bungay-Stanier offers this prompt as part of Jeffrey Davis's #Quest2015 - "12 days with 12 visionaries to imagine your 12 best months." (I'm collecting some of my responses on this blog. Read others here and here.)

I'm ready to disappoint anyone who wants to be disappointed in me. Anyone who feels that what I have to offer - anything from my time to my words to my love - is so expendable that it could "disappoint" is off my perpetual Christmas card list.

Playing with a working definition here: To be disappointed in someone is to impose your own needs and expectations upon another. It is to assume that your own journey takes precedence and lose track of the relationship and the Bigger Story.

The Theory of a New Year

In 2015, I don't have time for such one-sided, calculating arrangements disguised as friendships or business relationships.

But even as I share such sweeping statements, I cringe. There are some people I'm disappointed in right now. There are people whose journeys I don't have the bandwidth to value and so I see their needs as less relevant than mine. I want something from them, but I don't want their drama or their excuses.

That means I need to hold court with abandonment, as mentioned in the prompt above. I'm going to have to sit alone in an icy chamber after all is said about not enough being done to sustain the relationship. If disappointment can fester in my chest, there’s something deeply out of alignment. Something in me. I need to let someone go or I need to at least reset the relationship.

The Reality of a New Year - Midnight Parenting Edition

I have to take this out of theory. There's no place less theoretical than a five year old's bed at 11 pm on a Sunday night.

Husband and I were "relaxing" with a show about murder and mayhem (hmm... Is such "entertainment" something to consider abandoning?) and our daughter appeared at the bottom of the stairs. Wordless, frowning, wanting to be held, but not touched all at once. Depending on your perspective, she was either surly or scared, sweaty or sweetly flushed with sleep.

Because I'm up too late, disappointed in myself for accomplishing too little in a day and upset that I don't have the strength to avoid the gravitational pull of my husband's arms and an episode of The Blacklist, I saw all of these things in our girl. And I saw my own irritation and compassion too.

I took her upstairs and I wrestled my personal “shouldas” until they fell off my back and promised to wait for me outside the bedroom door. We'd reconvene when this unexpected bout of mothering was done. For now, climbed in beside my first born, my "intense" child. She told me she'd had a bad dream - somehow being given too many snowmen she couldn't return was terrifying (retail trauma starts early, it seems). And then she mumbled something about "I'll be good for Christmas."

That's when the snowball packed with a cruel handful of gravel hit my cheek. That's when I held her tighter and truly - finally - let go of every shred of my agenda. For real this time. I remembered all I'm supposed to know as a healer, a creature who bandies about the word consciousness several times a day. I wasn't thinking of it at the time, I swear, but in that moment I decided I was going to be the mom that the people who like my daily #365feministselfie think I am.

Now, parenting a kid is first about parenting yourself.

I have carried disappointment in myself the way heroes carry a vial that contains the antidote to a deadly disease. My internal disappointment has served a precious talisman against hurt. “Ha ha! You can't tear me down if I already did it more beautifully and terribly!”

Here’s the truth: when mama’s not feeling good about herself, there ain’t nobody in this house permitted to feel particularly good about herself. I don’t mean to be so impatient, to explode in moments of irrational seeming frustration. I certainly don’t mean to hold you to the impossible standards I hold myself. But I do.

You, my Moira, are my mirror. When I feel strong, I revel in your strength. I give you permission to be as strong as you are. And when I feel disappointed in myself, I see all the ways you don’t measure up. I get upset about my parenting skills and, sometimes, your very way of being in the world.

Because I see this happening, I know I’m a good deal better off than I used to. There’s hope for us, kiddo. There’s hope for all of us when we can be aware of what’s hard and what’s broken and what’s vulnerable.

Now, that I’ve plumbed my disappointed depths, back to the question.

To Enjoy a Disappointment-Free Year, I Must First Disappoint

Who can I bear to disappoint or abandon, upset or offend?  Not my kids, not my husband, not my closest family and friends. They’re the ones who love me anyway, so they’re not looking to be disappointed in the first place.

I am willing to disappoint MYSELF.

I am willing to seriously piss off the part of me that equates worth with work. I am will to abandon the part of me that says getting it done is worth saying “Give mummy a few more minutes. She has to work” almost every time my girls asks me to play with her or “watch this!”

I am willing to disappoint the aspects of myself that don’t have compassion or love for ME.

I’m willing to let anyone down - myself included -  who believes my real work is the business or the book or the online presence.

My real work is done at 11 PM on a Sunday night. And it may leave me wrecked in the morning. And it may mean I miss a deadline. But if you think I’m worth it anyway, then I think you’re worth it too.